Be it resolved, on this First Day of Two Thousand and Eleven, between the Author Presumptive and Herself: I. The Author Presumptive (hereafter known as A.P.) shall allow herself no more than two (2) minutes per day of dark ruminations upon The State of Her Career, The Suspicion That She Has No Talent, and Those Who Have Already Garnered Book Deals. II. The A.P. shall observe strict parameters for the commencement and conclusion of Cocktail Time, which shall begin no earlier than 5:00 4:30 p.m. EST on alternate days ending in “Y," unless in the case of Emergencies or Other Unforeseen Circumstances (as defined by The A.P.). III. The A.P. shall adhere to the advice of her Esteemed Agent with a Minimum of Whining. IV. The A.P. shall demonstrate more appreciation for Her Darling Husband (hereafter known as H.D.H). V. The A.P. shall cook at least three (3) Nutritious Meals per week for H.D.H. and Her Beloved Offspring (hereafter known as H.B.O) at least one of which shall feature A Fish Protein that has not occupied a can. VI. The A.P. shall cease all imaginings of Dire Events each time H.B.O. operate a motor vehicle, occupy the passenger seat of a motor vehicle, or in fact, step out the door of The Maternal Domicile. VII. For each minute spent Trolling the Kindle Book Store, the A.P. shall spend an equal and opposite number of minutes on Her Elliptical Trainer. VIII. The A.P. shall limit her consumption of the offerings of the Bravo Network to only one (1) program per season, unless and until Top Chef resumes, thereby rendering this resolution Null and Void. IX. The A.P. shall immediately desist from fantasies involving Three Book Deals, Lifetime Movie Adaptations, and Lunches with Nora Ephron and/or Tim Gunn. X. The A.P. will daily remind herself that she is in possession of A Loving Family, Loyal Friends, Moderately Good Health, and that she is, in fact and indeed—One of the Lucky Ones. Happy New Year, everyone!
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