Commandment I: Thou shalt dress for thy shape. Smart pears know that a nicely cut Empire waistline falls flatteringly over those womanly hips. Wise apples might choose a wrap dress to emphasize upper curves and create a smaller waistline. Work your assets! Commandment II: Thou shalt not dress mutton as lamb. Ladies of Certain Age should not only act it, but dress it. Let’s step away from that Junior department, and stick to even-numbered sizes, shall we? Commandment III: Thou shalt expose skin in inverse proportion to the number of decades thou has spent on earth. Repeat after me: No one wants to see old décolletage. (Unless you are Helen Mirren, in which case you do not need advice from the likes of me.)
Commandment IV: Thou shalt acquire a few good basics. My great-grandma used to say that only rich people could afford to buy cheap clothes. (Think about it.) One great piece—a well-cut skirt, a black trench coat, or a go-to LBD that goes from office to party—more than pays for itself. Commandment V: Thou shalt have a signature piece. Whether it is your scent, your grandma’s antique watch, or that scuffed pair of Doc Martens, you should have one fashion facet that is all your own. Commandment VI: Thou shalt not don thy exercise clothes in vain.Yoga pants belong on your bod only in the studio. Save the sweats for your daily run or a night on the couch with popcorn and an old movie. And unless you are warming up for the Olympics, never, under any circumstances put on a two-piece track suit. Because I will find you. Commandment VII: Thou shalt not covet thy daughter’s goods, nor raid her closet. See Commandment II.
Commandment VIII: Thou shalt learn how to coordinate thy pieces. A coordinated look is not synonymous with what Michael Kors bitchily refers to as “matchy-matchy.” Even bridesmaids have stopped dying their shoes.
Commandment IX: Thou shalt not display initials that are not thine own. Does any girl really need a crystal-encrusted DG the size of a dinner plate hanging from her purse? I think not. Commandment X: Honor thy body and treat it with love. Now go out and buy yourself something nice!
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*The format for this post was shamelessly lifted from my son, a regular blogger at the BU Culture Shock blog. I implore you not to link to his post, which is far funnier than my own.